this has to go first

I told her to take off her top and she did. She didn’t have nice (she had shitty tits) breasts so I told her to put her top back on and she did. Her bra had fooled me. She took the half empty glass of gin and sat down in the chair and crossed her right leg over the other. She leaned back in the chair and sat there in silence. Her foot started kicking towards me. She smiled at me smugly. She looked comfortable. I wondered what she would tell me to do after she saw my (shitty) dick?





The phone rang so I answered it. It was a friend calling to tell me that they wish that they didn’t feel anything. They said that they felt too much. I told them that feeling the other way is worse. When I came out of the coma they made me take anti-depressants. I didn’t feel anything for that year and a half. Everything was nothing. It felt like I was in a shell. Anti depressants don’t stop you being depressed. They just mask it; they mask everything. I was discharged from the hospital and was only gone a week when I fell out of my wheelchair entering my new property and broke my hip. This happened because the property was not wheelchair accessible. It just happened. I felt the pain but didn’t feel angry or sad, it just happened. They put me back and kept me in the hospital I just came from for a plate and four pins and then sent me to an Old Peoples home for physio/rehab and bacon and eggs on a porcelain plate. Then I woke up. I stopped taking the anti-depressants. Now I feel the frustration. I am stuck within the wheel and it is making me sad and facetious





I was waiting on the street for a ride. I grabbed the horizontal bar of the frame and pushed myself up and out of my wheelchair to relieve the pressure on my bum. I did a fart in mid-air. The fart sounded wonderful but scared me ‘cause I didn’t feel it coming. A young woman was walking towards me. The wind waved her hair as she smiled at me. I lowered myself down and smiled back at her as I sat up straight in my chair. As I straightened I did another, this time it was a long whining fart. It must have lasted two and a half seconds. She looked down and laughed as she walked past. I took that as a good sign, in my mind, as I cringed and apologised. She had a soft delicate laugh. It reminded me of innocence. There is no need to fear a woman who laughs at farts


I got to the hospital. The car dropped me at the gate and I entered the foyer. I pulled out the piece of paper and asked the lady at reception and she gave me the directions. She said the directions quickly and I wondered at how I would get there? You’re in the wrong building, she’d said. She started telling me how I would get there. I stopped her halfway to say, I’m sorry. I told her that I’ve had a brain injury so she may as well be talking another language. I said, I will never remember. I asked her if she wouldn’t mind drawing a diagram to show me how to get there. She got up from behind the desk and told me she would take me. She walked with me for just over four minutes. She walked me across the hospital to the Private section and led me to the lifts. I made the sort of small talk you must make when you are in somebody’s debt as we ascended. She took me up to the door where I extended my hand, said thank you and asked her name? She told me but I will never remember

You would be fucked if you were sick and a racist in Australia. I’m glad I’m not, a racist that is, I am sick in Australia. Most of the nurses and orderlies were from Asia and Africa. A white nurse led me to a cubicle and told me to take my singlet pants shoes and socks off. She asked if I could do it myself and I said yes. She tossed a white blanket on the bed and pulled the blind. I leaned down to put my left foot on my right knee and unstrapped my orthotics and pulled my shoe and sock off then repeated the same procedure on the right foot. I transferred to the bed and took my pants and singlet off and unfolded the blanket over me. She was gone for just on long enough for me to start to get annoyed. I smelled her before I saw her again. She had just applied perfume and she smelt sexy. After pulling the blind then the blanket off me the first thing she did was place large splodges of clear gel on the insides of my ankles. She stood over me and got a silver pen wired to a machine and placed it on the right splodge and listened. It was loud. I could hear it too. The noise sounded familiar. I know I’ve had this test before but I mean it sounded familiar familiar. It reminds me of (I think) a noise from Doctor Who

The technician apologised for the cold of the gel as she splodged it on the insides of both my thighs. I did not flinch because I couldn’t feel it. I’m sick of reality so I lied and said, yesss it was cold, bbrrrr, and shivered my shoulders. I looked up and she had lovely pale green eyes staring at mine. She started to say something but stopped as she put the pen on the inside of my left thigh. Her hand lightly brushed over my penis on the way to the splodge. Wuuch wuch-wuuch wuch. Wuuch wuch-wuuch wuch. Mmmm, she said. What, I asked? It’s very nice, she said as she looked up at me and smiled. You should see it when it’s not in a hospital, I replied. My husband, she said, is a forward gunner in the military… … ……. …? So what’s wrong with me, I asked? I dunno, she said, as she placed the pen up my nose. Wuuch wuch-wuuch wuch wuch, wuuch wuch-wuuch wuch. Your pulse is good. Then how come my feet look dead, I asked, and why are they covered in pressure sores? I don’t know, she said as she took the pen and started running the pen up and down the front of my abdomen. The pen felt greasy. Wuuch wuch-wuuch wuch. It was all I could hear. She got firmer with the pen against my skin. I looked at the screen, the noise of the machine made me feel like I was watching TV. I looked down and saw she had my balls in her right hand. I could hear my pulse get quicker as I realised. She started moving that pen up and down my abdomen slowly. My dick started growing. She started to mumble. Pardon, I asked? She said, I like doing it with other men in front of my husband… he sits on the couch and watches, then bit her lip. I shook my head slowly. He likes watching, she said timidly. I looked her in the eye and shook my head slower for her. She straightened and inhaled sharply as she released my nuts

It was an uncomfortable silence as she got a towel and wiped the gel off of me. The towel felt scratchy but the scratches reminded me that this was not a show on the telly. I put my clothes back on in silence as she busied around me. I felt bad because I had killed her hope. The silence felt heavy. Should I fuck her in front of her husband? No I shouldn’t, I’m not that kinky. I turned and looked to see she was looking at me and I could tell she had been reading my mind. I was quick though and raised my eyebrows and pursed my lips as a question. A woman multi-task’s like a man breathes. As a matter of fact there’s nothing wrong with the circulation, she stated as she glanced down at the machine. She pulled a docket out of the side and looked at it before handing it to me. I shook my head again. I could hear it inside of me, wuuch wuch wuuch wuch wuuch wuch. Well then how come I keep bleeding, I asked? I dunno, she said as she turned and put the pen back in its holster, maybe you’ve got your period? Alice Cooper, I replied, said only women bleed. He has a woman’s name, she said. So what are you saying, I asked, I’m a woman with a man’s name? She turned to me smiling and said, I don’t think so, you’ve got those big hairy balls between your legs… … … We stared at each other silently for too long so she left

I got dressed and waited at the front desk for my discharge summary and a referral to see a surgeon. I have to see another doctor. They were making me wait at the desk. I looked at the clock on the wall then turned and saw her pushing a stand with a bag of saline above it towards me. She had a fibreglass neck brace on and there was a cannula in the top of her right hand. She was walking down the corridor in bare feet wearing a short tight lemon nightie and an opened short white bathrobe. As she got closer I saw she would have been in her forties with a healthy tan. She had held together well with nice breasts and her nipples were erect. I knew she was coming up to talk to me as soon as I had seen her eyes looking through her glasses. She looked nuts but not nuts enough to be mistaken for crazy. She was crazy. It has always been the crazy ones. She stood right in front of my wheelchair and asked me, did you know that the aliens have already landed? I shook my head. Yeah, she said, they landed in Sydney and nobody noticed because they were all too busy on their I-phone’s. Oh, I asked? Nobody saw the mother ship land because they were all playing Candy Crush. They’ve been going around sticking their long thin green dicks into women. They hang around Kings Cross after midnight. They only ever want to fuck a woman… I’ve never seen a female one of them! That’s probably why you haven’t heard about it. So how do you know about it, I asked? I’ve been fucked by lots of them, she stated calmly; I’m one of the women, she said.

I had to get away from her. There are different types of crazy and hers was making me sad. It would be easy for any one of us to fixate on one thing but we don’t. I asked a woman walking past with a bunch of flowers where the lifts were. She turned and pointed so I said thanks and headed towards them. I found the ground button and pushed it. The lift was somewhere above me. I looked down at the trashcan as I waited. I wondered how I would ever remember the way out? I turned and saw her coming towards me. It is always a crazy woman. I’ve fucked crazy women and I’ve fucked sane. Sane always beats crazy. Crazy is only cute while you’re fucking them. I was watching the saline bag above her swing as she paced towards me. I heard her say loudly, you probably haven’t heard about it! She said, it’s probably ‘cause you’re a bloke… and even if you had heard about it who would believe a story about being fucked on a Saturday night by an alien with a green dick?! The lift opened and it was empty

She was following me. This shit fucks with my head. I had forgotten so went back to the reception to get my referral. Her pace was just behind my wheelchair. She kept blabbering and I became silent. All she cared about were the aliens. I can’t take another’s madness. It is too ugly. I finally got my referral and the nurse nodded towards the woman and glanced up. I shook my head slowly and the nurse laughed. I had to ask her where the lifts were again. She rose from behind her desk and started gesticulating. I turned and saw that I had made the mad woman jealous. She said loud enough for anyone to hear, the alien’s dicks are too thin but they are long enough to hit the G-spot. The aliens give me multiple orgasms, she said with a smile, over and over again. She kept blabbering. She would not stop talking. One of them told me, she said, that all the women on their planet are frigid so that’s why they’ve come here to fuck us! The lift eventually came as I pretended I couldn’t hear her. I pushed myself into the metal box. She knew I was pretending to not hear her and desisted as the door closed. I only wish one day would feel normal. The lift will get me out of here. The lift took me down back to where I had come from

On the way out of the hospital a tall blonde woman in a white jacket smiled at me. My day just got better. I asked her if she would like to come outside and have a cigarette? No, she said, I’m an oncologist. What, I said, does that come after Aquarius? No, she said, that means that I’m a doctor that specialises in cancer. Cancer, I asked, I thought that came before Aquarius? No, she said, I specialise in cancer the disease not Cancer the star-sign. Fair enough, I replied, well do you mind if I have one? Whatever, she said, it’s your funeral. I turned away from her and started to leave. No, I said as I shook my head. Victory belongs to the brave. I turned my body back to her and asked her to come and keep me company. I could see it in her eyes as she decided. For my pleasure, I asked? She nodded and smiled. She unbuttoned her jacket and walked towards me. It was her and her alone that could make my day better.

I alone am the only alien I know of on this world. Once again I spent a whole day with other people trying to figure out what is wrong with my new (changed) body. All of these tests are performed for analysis and not for cure. These days just keep getting longer. None of this makes any sense to me because I alone cannot hear my heart beat. The doctor shall always be but we will all die one way or another. This life is slowly killing me. My body has forgotten how to feel. I cannot feel my heart beat. I can no longer feel but a woman is the only sensation I miss. If only there were women aliens I might have some sort of a chance. Do you understand me? Sing out if you do. Tell me if you do? Can you understand how difficult this is? I will never again properly understand anything so I shall try and cry when I get home. I will try to cry to get rid of it….


(I flirted with her over a cuppa but she wasn’t the one so I left alone)

bugger this.



Andrew Stuart Buchanan III

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