i arrived early and sat in the waiting room reading out of date woman’s magazines. everybody that walked in looked crazier than me. it looked like they belonged there. the man sitting to my left looked like a serial killer. he had a large hardbound book on his lap and looked down at the ground. i looked at the cover to see it was called Abnormal Psychology. i pointed at the book and asked him if he was studying psychology? his face changed like he had awoken from a trance as he saw me and said, huh? i started to ask him again when I saw that he was Abnormal Psychology so I didn’t bother to repeat myself. i just sat in silence. he didn’t seem to mind. we sat and didn’t talk to one another. i didn’t mind. the room was quiet. and then it was my turn
She looked at the pages in front of her before she locked eyes with me and started asking me questions
-Do you still hear a voice telling you what to do?
-It’s getting worse
-I hear two voices now
-What do they tell you?
-One tells me to go left and the other tells me to go right
-So what do you do?
-I try my hardest to ignore them
-Do the voices ever tell you to do harmful things?
-Just to myself
-To yourself what?
-The voices tell me to do harmful things to myself
-And do you?
-Do I what?
-Do you do harmful things to yourself?
-I drink and smoke and drink and smoke and drink and smoke and I drink and smoke and I drink and…
-Ok stop. You seem to be sane enough to know that smoking will kill you
-Will you last forever?
-Remember this is about you, not about me
the room went silent as I thought about what to say next, i figured she was trying to figure me out. her’s is only best guess. there is nothing to understand. i know and she knows what she knows but she he will never know what I know except for her best guess. all these doctors shit me. this is a waste of my time. her eyes locked mine and she nodded telling me to speak. i couldn’t be bothered but did for formalities sake
-I’m sorry, I said. The other, new, voice speaks in another language. I’m not sure if it’s Russian but it sounds like it. I can’t understand a word and he will not shut up. I just have hours and hours of that language. He normally talks from about 6am till about 4.30 pm. I’ve asked him to stop many times but apparently he can’t hear me. He talks louder than the tinnitus so buddy you know that’s loud. I call him Jimbo
-She had not written any of what I had said down
-And the other voice…?
-It’s a lady begging me to fuck her
-She speaks in English?
-Yes, but she is fluent in over four languages
-Yeah that’s all she ever talks about, it’s just skiting
-And so tell me how does she ask you to fuck her?
-With her mouth?
She started writing now. She had a pen grip like a four year old with all four fingers on the pen. The angle of her head changed and her tongue hung out the right side of her mouth as she wrote. I had started the fire in her. She scribbled two paragraphs on her pad then asked
-And what do you mean with her mouth, she asked? How, does she gesticulate and what does she do when you are inside her?
-No… I said, I’ve never been inside the voice in my head. You asked me how she asked to fuck so I said with her mouth meaning she asks me to fuck her by speaking aloud
She took the pad in her hand and I watched her surreptitiously put four lines through what she had written
-And does she ever ask you to do bad things to yourself?
-That’s all she does. She either screams or whispers. There is no normal tone. She won’t shut up ‘til I hit the hay
-Who did you say you’d hit?
-I didn’t say I would hit anything; I said the second voice will not stop until I go to sleep, ‘til I fall asleep
-And how do you sleep, she asked
i looked at her and realised that none of this is important. she thinks all of this comes from my head. hers is and she is just another process. this process is just another waste of my time. none of this is actually necessary. it actually means nothing in the end. she wanted to see inside me but I will not let her. that is just for me. what I am is mine. i showed her with two fingers going down in front of me face as I told her
-I close my eyes
her face closed first then her mind as she realised I am just me.
so that’s about all I can say. this is about all that is worth mentioning. i have finished this piece but it will never be over. with no end in sight all I can do is hang on
http://www.with us in mind
Andrew Stuart Buchanan Stuart Stuart Buchanan